#GRLPWR, Femininity, Singledom, and Ego (NYFW FW18 2018) – New York Fashion Week
Why am I single? This is a question that I continuously ask myself. If it were up to me I’d have been married, or engaged, or at least in a meaningful relationship by now. I’m thankful that isn’t the case though. Only at the ripe age of “now” am I starting to understand that I have a greater life mission and purpose to fulfill. If I would have married, held an engagement, or dated someone(just about anyone), I would have been lost into society’s constructs and Karma that I’m so trying to “break free” and “deprogram” from. These programs would have been regurgitated by my spouse, boyfriend, SO leading us to divorce before I even had the chance to become or know the person I am today. Thank god my parents never instilled that marriage programming onto me that is so very prevalent in today’s world and across cultures; the kind in which parents want their children to marry by a certain age or have kids by such and such time, or just so they (the parents) don’t need to bear the “shame” of their child being “single and unwanted” or just down right “ugly” for society. My parent’s never controlled my love life or my perceptions of love all too much except for the age gap relationships I was in (but my parents themselves have a gap too. So with that said, that advice didn’t last long. I was also secretive about my relationships so I never had much of an influence by my peers or parents.) To start off, my parent’s have their own love Karma “programming” to overcome. I never truly had a prime example of a happy marriage and couple in my own personal life growing up. The programming I’ve been instilled with by my parents were that of, “if you do this for me then ill love you. If I just lose a little more weight then i’ll be seen as beautiful. If I do the chores then that equals my self worth.” And on and on with a construed sense of self. I’ve come a long way to overcome such limiting beliefs and thought patterns emplaced upon me by my parents. But these patterns are passed on through the generations just like addictions are. And so there is family karma at play that many souls are raised into. In the way of love – and life – my parent’s haven’t taught me much of anything LOL. Now I realize that that isn’t such a bad thing. Painful for the majority of my life, but It has led me to think more for myself and learn anew without prior preconceptions.
I never said I was perfect. But I’ve come to the realization that I never had to be perfect in the first place. If I’m overweight and it fluctuates.. well that’s who I am and it’s okay. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I don’t need anyone to date me who can’t accept that part of myself that I have come to accept and that I show love towards. That type of inflicted remark still occurs believe it or not. Regardless how much I have accepted myself – many others have not. If I don’t have the money right now, well why would I want to fancy a guy who cares that much about my finances, job title, or what I can provide monetarily to a relationship? There is validity in these questions, but some of them are very ego based programming and we must ponder the intention of why this issue might be pushed by the other party. I’m not looking for a perfect man, only one that is perfect for me with problems I can handle. Perfection is overrated anyway and society places so many rules on souls today to conform to be such a way. These thoughts above aren’t our own; they have been conditioned onto us in some sort of way and retained though-out our lives here on Earth. As such, creating a never ending cycle that has yet to escape us. We have been teaching our children to relive the past even though now is the present.
Men in particular. It is sad that we raise our sons to grow up “manly” and wear and do boyish things. We have disassociated emotions and femininity away from young boys and men. The most manly thing I can think of is a man who will cry and be vulnerable about their feelings; to connect to the feminine within themselves. To see my father hiding his past, sadness, and disappointments(and reliving these experiences decades later again and again) just shows me the reality of how deep and harmful that sort of gender, cultural, socioeconomic, religious, and all other programming can be. It is said that men never truly “get over” something or someone like the way women are said to cope. My guess is because many boys have been taught to cut off that side of themselves and don’t know how to overcome and accept their feelings when some drastic experience happens. It is not for me to judge. I have past life experiences to work through that I’ve carried into this lifetime with me.
I had to write this post over because I never wanted to focus just on #GRLPWR even though my outfit speaks #FEMININE. To me that is a label and I don’t like labels all too much because that tries to box one’s infinite soul up into a limiting word, idea, thought. Being spiritually minded, we are all one and the same with both masculine and feminine energies residing within us. I never got lost into all of the gender and race issues and movements out there that tend to separate us rather than bring us together. I saw a post the other day on Instagram by someone I follow who is “nesting” for her baby girl’s arrival. The whole nursery was pink and all the clothes were stereotypical “girl” clothes along the range of black, white, pink, red, and of dresses mostly. This just screams programming. Souls are born into this world but are conditioned from the moment they are born. That’s probably one of the first programs placed upon us; “blue” or “pink”? Girl’s toys or boy’s toys? Anger started to arise from within me. Why do I feel angry? I see what that sort of conditioning can do and how limiting a scope it places onto a soul. In a sense it takes away our power when others tell us who to be and how to act and how to think before, we as souls, had the chance to decide for ourselves in this physical reality. But this is socially acceptable in our society and unknowingly we continue to follow these restraints that bind us and divide us. We aren’t just a gender. But I think that’s also where my singledom comes from. I don’t wish to conform to societies stereotypical views towards “women” and “men” that continue to linger on between the ages and between the shared words with the bros and the gals over the hogwash conversations of cheaters, liars, and gold diggers. I’m not saying their isn’t truth in the pain. There is truth in these experiences, and it is true to whoever believes in these conditioned programs. If I were to think I’m a male who was born female, well that would be true for me. It might not be the truth for someone else. I just choose to step back and see the greater picture of it all and how little all of this even matters. Sometimes I too am subjected to this way of thinking by others. And unfortunately I too experience sexism and such. These experiences have been true for me, but I don’t approve of it. Just as I don’t approve of men who have lots of programming they must first overcome before coming into a relationship with me. It is not my work to accept someone’s pain and entire life programming as I climb my way out of the trenches of this matrix. When my cat died I was going to give a piece of my soul essence or time here for my cat to live on. But I was reminded that what is mine is mine, and some things we can’t sacrifice of ourselves for others. I can not give my power away for some other soul to live on. We must accept that we can’t save everyone.
I feel as complete as I am and can be. I have my flaws and I know of that, some I’m somewhat ashamed of.. but I still try to love those pieces of myself. To see these sorts of societal programs regurgitated in the men I’ve been meeting strongly deter me. I have a very specific man in mind that I’m waiting to meet. Someone on my frequency that shares the same life mission as I do; someone looking for change on a world level. I used to be stuck in the programming of, “you are what you attract” with those fans of The Secret and The Law of Attraction. In some cases this is true. Some days when I feel a little low energetically, I notice I do attract people who are much lower in frequency. But to say that this is a fact is certainly not true. Residing on Earth is a teaching ground. We are all learning and teaching. It seems these past few years have many been me teaching other people and me seeking my own way out of this dense conditioning found in schools, governments, parents, fashion, beauty, religion, etc. I could just see the programs someone had to overcome and I was there to shine a light on those beliefs and break them open. Whether or not those people wanted to take a look is not my concern. Of course it works both ways, I am no exception. But that’s what I think really is going on; it just shows me how conditioned society is to believe, act, and do certain things based on what has been programmed as acceptable through the ages.
Being Spiritually Awake and conscious is a much more difficult thing to be in a world of asleep, conditioned, people. To meet people time and time again who will never understand your depth and are only stuck on the superficial level of primal desires and appearances is just bound to happen. To be called beautiful or cute or sexy by a man who is unfamiliar as a way to start a conversation with me without wanting to know my depth, is a bit offensive. Sometimes I admire(accept) the flattery if it’s sincerely heartfelt, but I’m not just any “baby, babe, sexy” woman. It feels degrading to a soul that has self realized itself. But I don’t take it to heart like I used to. I can’t. That is their truth; their programming is true to them. However, to classify all individuals as a certain way is a sad day. I know it, I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it and it prevails on. I can tell you that I’m one of the most honest, transparent, committed people there are. Law of Attraction, In those cases of programming where people are taught to subject all people as the same, well there is a strong chance that these peoples beliefs will be reaffirmed many times overs by experiencing the liars, cheaters, mentality, the so called “like attracts like.” It is till we open our eyes and learn how to distinguish people, will we be able to break the cycle of continual thought – potentially attracting us to much different individuals. Unfortunately, this world teaches us to be superficial and ignore our inner truths and souls. In addition to being spiritually awake, to know yourself shrinks the dating pool even more with less potential mates to consider. And then there leaves me, single.
The loneliest thing is to date someone who is not right for you. Being Claircognizant and having Claircognizance – psychic thoughts and knowing – (We are all psychics and intuitives by the way, we just have been programmed to forget our innate gifts.) These intuitive thoughts would always bombard me sometimes to the point of harassment of needing to leave a relationship for my highest good. I don’t always know exactly why, now I usually just wait it out because lessons are at play, but I find out the reason out later. It usually just ends abruptly as spirit intervenes; I get very attached to people and not wanting to end things. I am one of those souls who would do “till death do us part.” These intuitive nudges and messages are always there to protect me though or to tell me I don’t need to learn anything else from that person.
As you can see, even though I am intuitive and spiritually focused, I too have amnesia. The purpose of being here is not to know all the answers and to learn. To have some detachment from source, god, universe, what have you so that we can learn. I don’t know when or exactly how he will look, but he will manifest his way into my life. I have a grander plan for my life and need someone who matches with that vision, who understands and lives the way of my life, who also is intuitive and seeking a spiritual life, and who has devoted his life to overcoming such programming that I have been actively digging myself out of.
I am single, not because I’m unlovable. I have many suitors – that just aren’t right for me and I know so. It would be a disservice for me to get into a relationship with these people. To know that the relationship is never to be destined and pretend like it is for that other person, is not something I wish to do or make believe. I choose to live a life of singledom till I meet this sort of man that matches up with me. Who treats me as a goddess, loves my flaws as I do, who seeks to enlighten the world alongside me, and who has a masterplan for their life. And maybe perhaps, where I’m not harassed with messages from spirit about the relationship ending. It’s remarkable how the more I turn down men, the more I am admired and have a stronger sense of value. I already know my value though. I know my sense of self and what I’m seeking.
I don’t need to know all the answers to life, I just need to follow where my soul guides me. This is me on #GRLPWR, #Femininity, and #Singledom.
Smooth sailing AwakenedTravelers!
Props to Silvia for the photos of me. Edited by myself always.